Philippines Approves Cloned Movies

Shortly after the US Food and Drugs Administration approved the serving of cloned meat, our country has followed suit by approving the production of cloned movies and TV shows.

In a press conference during the recently concluded Metro Manila Film Festival, MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando said, "Clones are the cheapest way to survive in the industry. We are taking a cue from piracy and turning it back to our profit."

The effects of this policy change are already apparent in the latest MMFF. This year's best picture, Resiklo, is a clone of various Hollywood movies, notably, Transformers. Resiklo (whose alternate title is Basura) is top-billed by Sen. Bong Revilla, who is himself a clone of Ramon Revilla.

Interviewed about this turn of events that are alarming many critics, MMFF's best actor, Sen. Jinggoy Estrada said that "Cloning is not new and is inherent in any industry in post-modern society." Pressed to explain what he meant, Sen. Estrada said, "we are indelibly caught in the adage that 'nothing is new' in this world. Everything is just a bricolage of existing creations. The artists' role in this new order is to innovate by recombining old elements to form new artistic works."

Sen. Estrada was later brought to the Makati Medical Hospital to be treated for nose bleeds.

But before he left, he said, "Cloning has been evident in the TV and radio media. In radio, most local DJs and announcers are clones of American-twanged people. GMA and ABS-CBN have in fact also been fuelling this trend by showing programs cloned from various sources. GMA's Kamandag is a clone of Encantadia is a clone of Lord of the Rings and Flash Gordon. Capt Barbell and Volta are clones of old comicbook stories (in the case of Barbell) and old movies (in the case of Volta)." At this point, Sen. Estrada's nose began to bleed.

Auditions for Malacañang Idol Now On!

In a desperate attempt to revive its dying show, ABC-5 has decided to reformat Philippine Idol into Malacañang Idol. "The new format will be more interesting than the old one," says CEO Tonyboy Cojuangco. "The old format used unknown people who were untalented and boring. The new program will use famous people who are untalented and boring."

The new format pits presidential hopefuls against each other. Among the first to respond was former Vice President Teofisto Guingona. Asked why he wanted to join, Guingona responded, "Lemme tell you like this en like dat (like dat)/ I'm-a genius when I'm filing damn raps (damn raps)/ So I sed, 'Better join,' coz I'm phat (damn phat)..."

Also getting the Golden Ticket for the finals are Annabelle Rama and Diego, ang Pambansang Bading. Auditions are now being conducted all over Batasang Pambansa and Quiapo for the lucky contestants.






See also: Ang Tagal Naman

Trillanes Fans Club Launched

Join na! You get a free Trillanes, Hindi Ka Nag-iisip Decal! (See above).

Download the decal and post it on your blog, website, notebook, iPod, laptop, car, bed, bathroom floor or Philippine flag! Send it to your favorite opposition politicians and artista-activists! Blah-blah-blah-blah.

Makati hotels are highly encouraged to post this in their doorways and lobbies!

Marcos, Magellan Pardoned!

In its continuing act of magnanimity, Malacañang pardoned two notorious Ferdinands in Philippine history: Marcos and Magellan. According to the official Malacañang statement, these acts of pardon will hopefully strengthen the spirit of reconciliation that the country "sorely needs."

Speaking fresh out of a conference of Catholic priests, Pres. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo said that, "Well, 'no-- this pardoning spree as media will soon call it, 'no?, was actually inspired by the Catholic church, 'no? Pope John Paul II pardoned the excommunicated Galileo Galilei only in 1992, 'no? That's what I call a well thought-out decision, 'no?"

Pres. Arroyo also pardoned Emilio Aguinaldo for murdering Andres Bonifacio, the Spaniards for "making api" the Philippines for more than 300 years, the United States for electing George W. Bush and Voldemort, for just being Voldemort.

"George Dubya, is a good friend of mine, 'no? So might as well pardon him too," continued Pres. Arroyo. "At saka well, it's time to pardon din naman the Spaniards, 'no? They all have this Catholic guilt, 'no, for introducing priests, 'no?"

Magellan, Marcos and Aguinaldo could not be reached for comment.

Just Released: Wowowee Online Game!

ABS-CBN Interactive released yesterday its first attempt to cash in on the growing online gaming industry: Wowowee -- the Online Game!

"This is a Landmark in the Filipino gaming industry," said the show's host Willie Revillame. "By the way, Landmark is also our sponsor for this launch."

Launched in a grand event that critics and cultural mavens dubbed as "wow, bongga, 'day!" Wowowee -- the Online Game! pits the wits of players against other players online. What's unique about the game is the unorthodox nature of players.

"Instead of mga hero ang player po natin dito, mga pangkaraniwang mamamayan lang po ang mga karakter," bragged Revillame.

In Level 1, the contestant is made to choose a character from four possible backgrounds: the poor labandera with 12 mouths to feed and abandoned by a drunkard husband, a child sampagita-vendor who is taking care of a sick mother, a pedicab driver whose pedicab just got stolen or a balikbayan with US dollars to give away. The player must outfit his avatar properly and then go through a "training mode" in which he/she practices how to be thick-skinned.

In Level 2, the player faces the first major obstacle, a villain with the rather longish name of The Predatory Host Who Tries to Make the Player Tell a Sob Story and Thereby also Force the Player to Cry in Front of National TV and then Immediately Dance a Grindingly Explicit Dance, While Tears are Still in their Cheeks.

The levels become progressively difficult, but occasional rewards are given out in the form of cash and a chance to dance with girls in skimpy swimsuits. In Level 10, the player can also opt to switch roles to become the host of the show and try to control a massive Ultra stampede.
Finally, the contestant wins.

Game enthusiasts who were invited in the exclusive Beta testing are already raving about the realism of the game. "This is a killer app," said Mokong Bautista, a game addict.

GMA Moves Christmas to November 1

PGMA makes chika Batangas gov Ate Vi about their love life

Malacañang, Sep 1, 2007. Pres. Gloria Macapagal Arroyo has signed an executive order officially moving the date of Christmas to November 1. Sources say the new order takes effect this year.

The official press statement explained the reasoning behind the shift in schedule. "December 25 is too matagal nwoh. Plus, tutal, we Filipinos can't wait naman for Paskwoh, so why not just move it na mas maaga di bwah?" the press statement said.

When asked why the President chose November 1 for the new date, the press statement failed to reply. So instead, we interviewed a Malacañang insider.

"Well, like thuh -- the President assigned four committees to study the feasibility of moving Christmas to four months, no? -- August, September, October, and November, you know?" confided Procopio Mengkekekwek (not real name). "Eh bomalabs yung iba during their final presentation. So like, y'know, the November committee got the most votes because they were soooo kaka! And they even brought Willie Revillame to do the presentation, like y'know? And he brought pa his Wowowee girls to dance," added Mengkekekwek excitedly.

Opposition Senator Chiz Escudero immediately hit the latest move by Malacañang. "Naghihirap na nga ang mga tao, aagahan niyo pa ang Pasko," said the visibly irked (but handsome) senator. "Ako ang boses ng kabataan sa Senado," he also said.

The handsome Escudero, who was wearing a barong tagalog designed by Ino Sotto, pointed out major problems that the schedule shift will cause. "For example, what will happen to All Soul's Day? And will we now move New Year's day to December 1?"

The president is currently doing Pilates and unavailable for any comment.

Philippines Next Export: Tricycle and Bus Drivers

Manila, Aug. 25, 3007. In an inspired attempt to sustain unprecedented economic growth, the Philippine government will be exporting tricycle and bus drivers to Europe, US, Asia and Basilan starting next year.

OWWA Administrator Marianito Roque said that this move was a logical next step, and it was just "a matter of time" before we did it. "We are the number one exporter of labor all over the world," Roque said in a speech he delivered to a gathering of two government employees.

"We have exported teachers, doctors, engineers, nurses, cooks, beauticians and construction workers," he continued. "There's nobody left but call center agents, drivers and politicians. And we all know who is more in demand," Roque further stated, giving us a wink.

Asked about this new government thrust, Mang Jose, a tricycle driver by day and hero-for-rent by night, welcomed the opportunity. "I welcome the opportunity," Mang Jose enthused (nax! "enthused!"). "After all, there's nothing to challenge tricycle drivers here, and you know what happens to employees with no motivation. That's right, we just throw caution to the wind, race our tricycles and do shabu, unmindful of life and limb, or should I say limb and life," added Mang Jose.

Meanwhile, the National Economic Development Authority (NEDA) and the Metro Manila Development Authority (MMDA) lauded the project. "We are hitting two birds with one stone. First we improve our economy and increase the standard of living of impoverished drivers. Then we solve the problem of our dangerous and congested streets," both agencies said in unison.

NEDA told reporters that this is seen to spur economic growth that has eluded the country, ever since Magellan landed in Cebu City "or some similar historical event," said NEDA, who refused to name its chief as of this writing.